For the next month I took Chase's advice and we agreed to hold off on anymore decisions. The babies were shifting and it didn't do any good to make myself sick over making a decision when I didn't know for sure if I had two options. It was looking like I did, but you never know. When I hit thirty weeks, that was when we started finalizing plans.
The nursery was beautiful and when It was finished I cried; it was everything I wanted it to be. The cribs were sweet as they contrasted but complimented each other. They were as unique as our twins would be. The final thing that got to me was when their names were elegantly printed above their cribs and we found the little crowns that would go over the cribs with netting hanging on either side of the crib, against the wall.
They were our little prince and princess. Every negative emotion I ever had was melting away and we just over a month away from meeting them. Some nights Chase and I would experiment with new positions that would be comfortable for me and others we layed in bed just thinking about them.
We dreamed of who they would be and who's eyes they would have. Would they want to continue the family business or become a singer, dancer, lawyer or maybe a barista? Would we be able to guide them into being good people? Would they ask at sixteen to get a piercing or tattoo?
Was Maria going to hate carrots and would Markus love that she did so he could have more? Would they get along like Riley and I? Would they love sports or art? There was so much future to look forward to, so much we wanted to learn about them.
We wanted to know everything about them, what they hate and if we would need to fight with them to eat their broccoli, something my parents had to deal with. But that was all years later. Would they take to breastfeeding? Will they be quiet babies who sleep through the night of the kind that keeps us up all hours of the night for a year?
Will they know our voices and will we be good parents?
"I just want to hold them; I want them here with us." When they gave them to me in that delivery room; that will instantly become the best day of my life. Chase and I had a wedding that was a dream. Marrying him was the best thing I ever did; until now.
They would be little angels no matter what.
"I just want to see you with them." Chase kissed the top of my head. He was sitting against the headboard and I was leaning back into him; it was the most comfortable position now. I would never take for granted the ability to sleep however the fuck I want again.
"I just want to see you holding one of them in the hospital room while I have the other or they sleep." The site of Chase with a baby is enough to give me baby fever again. When people joke about baby fever they clearly don't understand because it's very much a real thing.
You start craving the feeling of being pregnant and getting another tiny bundle of five to ten pound happiness. Well, generally; I sure as hell hope that Markus and Maria aren't like eleven pounds each. My doctor made no promises, but she said that twins are usually closer to six pounds. Watch; I would be the one to have a twelve pound baby or something.
They would do an ultrasound tomorrow and tell us the approximate size and predict the weight; not that it means it's actually accurate. Thirty weeks; we needed to make decisions so that my doctor is prepared for when I do go into labor.
We stayed up most the night talking about all the possibilities that they could be like and the next morning we went to the doctor. The ultra sound did concluse that I had an option for a normal birth and after talking it over with her for a half hour; we decided as a family, with her help, to forgo the cesarean. She did warn me that there was the risk the babies could be distressed; if that happened I wouldn't have a choice anymore and I was okay with that.
The benefits of a natural birth outweighed everything and from the start, I want to give them the best life that I could. My diet and the way I chose to deliver them was what I could do and it was a small sacrifice if it meant that I could give them a healthier start. Jill recommended that we have the bag packed for the hospital now and that we have everything, including car seats, ready. The babies were developing wonderfully, but with pregnancy you never know.
She also started mentioning that awful, terrible term.
She was the doctor, yes; but my job wasn't physical. If I could sit in a bed all day why couldn't I sit in the car, take the elevator and sit at my desk instead? Apparently desk sitting was not the right position. Jill and I went back and forth on this issue and Chase was siding with her.
We came to a decision that when she did decide to put me on bedrest, I could go to work. But only if I lay down on my couch and don't sit at my desk for more than an hour a day. Chase woul dmake sure of that too, I have no doubt about it. She wasn't putting me on bedrest yet but she did tell me to take it easy.
No more working out and only light walks. Sex was still okay if it wasn't rough; damn it. My blood pressure was fine, my levels were fine, no bleeding, no weakening cervix. The only reason she was restricting me was so I could carry them longer and I dreaded when she did cut the sex and working off.
She warned me that she wanted to see me in two weeks and we would go from there. There was this sinking feeling that in two weeks I would be confined to a bed with no sex. She also said what when she did cut off sex it would be all forms to prevent my body from contracting.
Pregnancy was so much more complicated than just eating healthy and getting bloated everywhere to form and carry a human. So many little things that they told you not to do. Some people could have sex up until the day they give birth but she didn't want to risk it with me; especially since miscarrying.
Regret became this weight in my stomach; why did I ever tell him no to sex for those couple months? Next time I would be prepared for this; hopefully next time I'll just be having one baby. There would be a next time though; I had a rocky start, but I loved being pregnant. But what I would love more than being pregnant with Markus and Maria is to be half this size and create one small human and not two.
This doctor's appointment and the last few weeks put a lot into perspective for us. We got food and went home to pack the bag for the hospital. This was more than just any bag to us though. Instead of throwing it together we put thought into what we should bring. The clothes I would wear out of the hospital would be closer to the size I was when I was just starting to show.
How weird is it that you spend months watching your stomach grow into this huge, bulging belly; then as soon as you're holding that baby your stomach is instantly smaller. I've been around pregnancy enough to know that I'm going to be far from my normal size, but it is weird that this seven or so pound object is no longer in you in what feels like hours but an instant at the same time.
Chase thought that clothes to leave were all I would need and we were so unprepared for what would be happening after. I was glad that I looked up things that you need.
Until that article I thought I would have to just sit in the hospital gown for a few days until I was discharged; I was very wrong. Girls were packing yoga pants, black shorts, their own pajamas and nightgowns. The article gave me so much relief and I shuffled through my closet again.
Yoga pants went in, my black yoga shorts, a onesie that I usually wore in the winter since it unbuttoned in the front so I could attempt to breastfeed. In went the slippers and comfortable and lose t-shirts. In went the nursing tank tops that Monica and Rochelle swore I needed.
I didn't even think about toiletries that I would need and they said don't be afraid to put on a little makeup since people will be taking so many photos over the few days stay. Music, activities, nursing aids, snacks, a pillow and blanket.
Anything that you can bring to make yourself comfortable is recommended; even if it feels like you're moving in. Childbirth is hard and you deserve things that make you comfortable in such an emotional time.
It also pointed out to bring a bag for the stuff you acquire there and not to forget a little gift for the wonderful nurses who helped bring your child safely into the world. It annoyed me that I cried just reading that, just thinking about using all of this and that there are people out there who dedicate their lives to bringing new ones into the world.
Nurses who are there to see and share in the joy you feel. They check on you and made sure that your baby is healthy. With all the bad going on in the world, it's refreshing to know that there are these professions who are dedicated to being compassionate and kind. Except that one awful nurse; there's always one.
"Why are you crying?" Chase laughed a little and I grunted in frustration as I tried to make it stop!
"Because there are still good people in this world." He hugged me and kissed my cheek.
"Yeah there are. You have such a big heart, Angel. I love that about you, so much." He ran his fingers through my hair and let me have my moment. He also made love to me, gentle and sweet. He flooded my heart with so much love and emotion I felt like I was going to burst.
This was the probably two-hundredth time I thought that I was a freaking mess.
When he could manage to calm me down, again; we went to the nursery and I practically cried the entire time we packed the baby bag. We chose what we would take them home and packed everything it said we would need on that nifty little list. The bags were side by side in the nursery, ready to go. We were officially technically ready for the hospital and Chase would being the car seats later when we actually needed them. They were back facing- that was one thing that there wasn't as much debate on; front facing wasn't safe for newborns or really small children in general.
The fact that we had a birthing plan and bags packed sent a jolt of excitement and nerves; this was so real and soon it would all be over and we would start the scariest yet greatest adventure of our life.
Two weeks later I went to see Jill and she didn't put me on bed rest then, but a week later she did. Thirty-three weeks and I was banned from sex or any kind of orgasm and she also told me that if I could lay on the couch at work and work, then I could lay in bed at home and work. My pregnancy was going very well medically and if I was on bed rest there was a good chance I could carry closer to forty weeks and the longer I could carry the better my babies were.
She had to play that card, even if it was necessary and right. Bed rest was what would help them develop farther, what would help their little lungs and countless other things. Longer is always better than shorter, I think.
So I stayed in bed and people took turns coming to visit me so I didn't lose my mind. Chase, Riley and Jameson video chatted with me so I didn't have to be in the office and I still got the work done. The further I could get us ahead the better I could rest on maternity leave. We were in the home stretch now and soon it would be over.
When Riley's name came up on my video chat had to answer and I, of course, was crying; again.
"Wow, do I need to get Chase?" He asked and I shook my head as I took deep breaths.
"No. I'm okay." My sweater came in handy as I successfully, for once, wiped the water away.
"What's wrong?" His concern was sweet.
"Just thinking about meeting them." And I cried a-fucking-gain
"Oh, Monica was the same way. Have you guys gotten to the part where you plan their future in your head about five times a day, and it's different every single time?" He asked, a smile on his face helped.
"Yeah. We have. I just, I'm so tired and my body is done. Pregnancy right now sucks and I don't know how Monica did this at sixteen. But the thought of not having them with me, of not being pregnant hurts." What would I do when I couldn't put my hands on my stomach and usually find one of them willing to kick back.
"Trust me, or trust Monica; you won't miss being pregnant over holding them in your arms. Fuck, I was seventeen when I became a father, to twins none the less. The fear of doing everything wrong and the judgment is more than you want to ever handle. Mom bullies, Monica said are the worst. There's always someone who's going to tell you you're wrong. You're a bad mom for going to work, in Monica and my case, going to college. You're a bad parent if you don't want to further yourself though." That's already started.
"You're a bad mom for breastfeeding and it's gross to do it in public, but you don't care if you don't take the effort to breastfeed and opt for formula. Because don't you know that formula isn't as good as breast milk. You're a bad parents no matter what diapers you use, if you co-sleep or have them in a bassinet or in a crib." Bed-rest was boring; I joined a lot of mom blogs and everyone has an opinion.
"You really feed them that? That's unhealthy. Why are you giving them rice milk or introducing them to real food so early or too late. Fruit? Don't you know how much sugar is in that, you want your baby to be fat? Don't you want your baby to be more socialized? But now you're exposing them to too much. My god, it will never end. It doesn't end as they get older either." Wonderful. Being a parent could really suck.
"I've heard Monica say she wants to cut another mom at school." Monica was a good mother and was pushed around enough by mom bullies as a teenager; she was taking no shit now. Riley groaned and nodded.
"Lina decided to be transformers for Halloween and a mother lost it on Monica. Saying how she shouldn't be dressing like a boy for Halloween and asking Lina if they would much rather be a princess. She wasn't thrilled with Mia's choice to be a Minion; again. Lina gave her this disgusted look and said something along the lines of: Princesses are lame and transformers get to punch things." That made me laugh. One of those full bellied, aching laughs. Of course she did.
"The mom yelled at Kenna about how she lets her children be violent and Kenna was ready to show her how violent their mother can be." I loved those little girls. Lina was in a little martial arts class now and Riley needs to be clear with her that she can't use it to punch the little boy who pulls on her hair. That boy has guts, even at nine.
Mia started figure skating and dance; she loved that. Those little monsters were identical but they couldn't be more different.
"Lina's going to get herself into trouble." Lina would be the one to come home with a nose or belly piercing and beg for a tattoo. She would also be the one to hunt down any boy who broke her or Mia's heart and punch them. She was a little gem; they both were.
"Well when we get a call for her getting into a fight with some boy at school; I'm sending Rochelle." We couldn't stop laughing at that. Rochelle dated a boy in the seventh grade and he made out with someone else and spread rumors that he had made it all the way with her; we were still kids; Rochelle got into a fight with him and won; also she made him admit that he was lying in front of the lunch room. Rochelle got suspended that day.
Or the time that a girl who Chase slept with and then broke up with later tried to get with Riley to get back at him. Monica was pregnant then and this girl sported a lot of makeup to the valentine's day dance to cover the black eye.
Not that we knew; we all boycotted the dance when Rochelle was told she couldn't go. We went to the diner and Greta supplied money for the jukebox so we could have our own dance. A couple friends left the actual dance to come. Since kindergarten we have been loyal to each other. I hoped our kids felt that same loyalty.
Violence was not the answer, but I hoped that Markus would always step in to defend his little sister. Lets face it, no matter who was born first; the brother always feels the need to be the older one.
"You're going to be fine, Bry. I'm happy for you and I'm proud of you for doing it in the order you did. You got married first and i wish I could have married her first. There are no regrets; I love my girls, but I think for a little bit she thought I only married her because she was pregnant. That was never the case; I married her because even at seventeen I knew I wanted to spend my life with her. I knew that she would be the best mother to our kids, that i wanted more with her, that I wanted to wake up to her everyday for the rest of our life. She knows that now, but I don't think she did at first." And it was understandable that she felt that way, but I believed him; he was in love after their first date where she informed him she wasn't putting out and to stop being a perv. She's always put him in his place when needed and she's always been strong willed.
That was something she got from her mother.
"Chase is going to be a great dad. He's so happy."
"I know; it's all he talks about. He's proud and boasts about how the babies are doing, how he's going to finally be a dad." He was sweet.
"Well soon enough these little ones will be here." Two decisions I haven't made yet was who would be in the delivery room with me and who would be the god-parents. It seemed like an impossible decision. It was great talking baby stuff, but he did call for a reason and even though I was on bed rest it was almost like I was really there with them. Plus, I got to see my sisters and little munchkins more often since they came to see me every day.