Operation nursery was in effect, at least that's what Chase liked to call it. He was ready for this to go south and turn into a war until it's finished. Clyde came back with more paint samples than I anticipated. He didn't just bring the purples and greens, but he brought cremes, grays, browns, red, yellow orange with any and all in between. This was a man who came prepared for a hormonal pregnant woman.
"I know you had thoughts, but I figured it's best to have no doubts with samples." It was more than just paint though, we would have to reorder bedding and everything as well; Chase and I had no problem donating the pink and blue to charity rather than returning it.
So we got to work. We did lines of colors all in a row, one right under the other until there were dozens of them waiting for me to make a decision on them.
"I have a paint pen, one white and one black. Cross out what you don't want." That was an odd but oddly great idea. Instantly the orange went away; it's a beautiful color but the only way it's making an appearance in this room is in a mural. Now that I thought about it, all pink was out now too. I loved both the bold and the pale for the green and purple and how the cream and grey both contrast with them.
"How about a knight or king themed for half the room and then Chase can have his princess for the other side. Different colors and separate ideas within the same theme. Do you want the same for not just both genders, but both twins since they're still separate people." As I looked at the colors and the room, thinking of the furniture; it was a good idea.
"What do you think?" Chase's opinion was important too
"Personally, I think it's a good idea. How about you?" He wrapped an arm around me and I groaned as the little ones kicked.
"I agree and by the amount of kicking, I think they do too." We chose both shades that I liked and came up with a design. Honestly, Clyde had the vision better than I did but he assured me he would change it if we didn't like it. It could be trial and error and that may be fine, but I was hoping for once and done.
To have this thing done would be a huge relief in our lives. The more decisions that get made, the better. The good news was that after a doctors appointment Maria was already head down and Markus was working on it, which means I could try to deliver them without a c section.
After looking up so many cons, I didn't want to have one unless it was a hundred percent necessary; no matter how much it's going to be uncomfortable afterwards. I'm torn between telling people not to look up what goes on in childbirth and needing to be prepared. The details and the article about twenty things people don't tell you about childbirth; it made me squeamish.
Either I'm cut into and having children pulled out of my stomach or I'm pushing two children out, with a fucking epidural. Some women are strong enough to go natural; no way in hell I was doing that shit.
This was a choice that Chase refused to even talk to me about in fear that I would take any kind of advice from his face. He's left the room and told me to talk to Monica. Monica didn't have a choice, I did. Well as far as I know I did.
"Chase." I complained, I really wanted his input but he shook his head.
"This is your body and your choice. I have no opinion, I will be standing by your head holding your hand and doing whatever is expected of me." He had strong opinions on the birth, just not what I wanted him to have an opinion on.
"You don't care if I'm cut open?" I asked and he let out a loud groan of frustration.
"That isn't fair Brylee." But I crossed my arms, holding my ground. This was the first time I've gotten him to stay in the room instead of bolting.
"These are your kids Chase Rodriguez. Do you not care about their birth?" It bothered me that he wouldn't talk to me about it.
"Don't even try to accuse me of that. Of course I care. You're my fucking wife." Woah, that was the first time he's raised his voice at me since, well our wedding planning.
"Why are you yelling at me."
"I'm not yelling at you, but you're baiting me and you're pissing me off. You know my answer." I simply just wanted his opinion on our children.
"Why does talking about your children's birth piss you off?" He looked like he was searching for sanity. This may be where that little bubble he was talking about actually bursts.
"Why do you feel the need to word it like that and start a fight? I'm not the one with two kids in their stomach and I am not the one who has to go through that painful bloodbath. I will not go down there, I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing that. You will not get me to move from beside your head. If that's while you have the surgery or while you're pushing; I don't care. I'm not going to give you an answer, but Monica can. She's had both and she can give you perspective All I want is you to be healthy and safe and for you to give us two healthy children. I will not make a choice for you to be blamed later, you're already going to be screaming at me when the times comes, you will not get more ammo to throw at me.
It's going to be painful either way. It's going to be one of the worst and best days of our life either way. My opinion is you take Monica to talk with the doctor and make the best choice for you. All I care about is that you three are okay."
"I'm scared Chase, I don't know what I'm doing and I don't even know If I'm doing this whole pregnancy thing well and all I want is for you to talk to me about it, for you to let me talk to my husband about it. Instead you run away when the topic comes up. It's my body but they are our babies and this is our family. It's hard not to feel alone when you just disappear." How did I know the right choice? If I could decide on a fucking birthing method what business did I have being a mother? How did If I could even do this!
"Baby." He reached for me and I smacked his hand away.
"No, you don't get to touch me now. This time I'm leaving." I grabbed my bag and walked right out the damn door. Driving was a pain in the ass but it's not like I was incapable of doing it. I adjusted the seat in the truck and left.
After driving around for an hour I ended up making my way to Rochelle's. She opened the door and let me come in, I didn't want to talk and she didn't make me. We curled up in her bed and Scott cleared out and she let me just cry. Most of the time I wasn't actually sure why I was crying, but I knew this time.
Chase was isolating me with this very important decision and that was the last thing I needed right now. Yes, he's been very supportive through the pregnancy but I felt abandoned when I needed him the most. Rochelle ran her finger through my hair when I just started sobbing.
He didn't get it, none ot them understood. I didn't want to ask fucking Monica about her opinion; I wanted to go to my parents house and cry to my mother. What I wanted, what I craved more than anything was her opinion. She would tell me how I was doing and to woman up, to stop complaining and enjoy it. She would have told me her honest opinion and talked with me and my doctor about what my best choice was.
To Chase it was just another decision in a series of them but to me it was just more than that.
My mother wasn't here to help me, to tell me how to get through my first pregnancy with twins and I'll never know what her reaction would be that I was naming my daughter after her.; which I would have done if she was alive anyway.
I've had to go through my life and all these new firsts, all these changes without her. My wedding made me miss daddy so much, but this, this makes me miss her. She always knew what to say.
"I know Brylee, I know more than you think and it's going to be okay. You're doing great, you're going to be a great mom." Every time I thought I was accepting it something like this happened and it was a harsh reminder that there will never be pictures of my wedding to hang onto. I can't have the photos of my parents in hospital room holding newborn twins, framed above my fireplace.
That man robbed me of that, he stole Maria and Marku's experience to have loving grandparents. He took our lives and he ruined them, he forever took both our parents away and took this experience from Miguel as well.
That man murdered two wonderful people who were even better parents and he gets his life. Harold gets out in a few years and he can go on with his life, because the son of a bitch still has one. I've tried, I've tried so god damn hard to forgive and move on. Hate only continues to hurt your life, but I just; I can never forgive him.
"I love you Bry. It's clear I won't be mother of the year, but I love Michael with all my heart and there are days I wonder if I'm even being a decent mother, but I know I'm doing my best and that I am a good mother; you're going to be a great mother too Bry. It's not always going to feel like it, but if you don't worry about being a bad parent then you're doing something wrong. We're here, I'm here." She hugged me as good as one four and a half month old pregnant woman could hold another six and a half month pregnant woman with twins.
Sure it wasn't the most comfortable position but I could feel the love.
"I brought ice cream; pistachio for you Bry. Also I got chocolate and whipped cream." Ro and I scooter over and he joined us on the bed. Michael was lifted on with us and he handed us each our own along with a spoon.
"Thanks Scott." Rochelle and ice cream were a magical combination.
"Don't be mad, but I let him know you were here and safe. He was worried and I thought he deserved that from me at least." It was fair and I didn't want to put him in a bad position.
"I'm not mad, but the ice cream may have a part in that." It was delicious.
"He's not coming either, I told him we would let him in right now if he tried. He's not thrilled but he's waiting for when you're ready to come home." But I needed time to clear my head so is stayed with Ro tonight.
There needed to be the standard that I could count on him anytime, that there was nothing we couldn't discuss and I honestly was hurt by him right now. There was just this overwhelming time in my life and he always was so excited to share this with his parents; which was absolutely wonderful, but sometimes I think he forgot that I can't.
The fact that he's so close to his parents truly makes me happy, I love him and I love them. Sometimes I feel so terrible for missing my parents so much, but right now I was just trying now to shut down. When I thought about my Maria I wondered what words I could find to tell her why I had chosen that name.
What did I want to tell Maria and Markus about them, what if I forgot something important? What if I forgot the way her perfume smelt as it calmed me when I had bad dreams or I got hurt. What if the recordings weren't enough and I forget how loving her voice always sounded.
What about the first time they got to be teenagers and they tell me they hate me or I'm ruining their lives; where will my mom be to turn to, for her to tell me that I just need to keep doing what I'm doing, even if they hate it because I love them.
What if I forget the woman she was. This was all happening so fast and I don't think I was ready for it. I'm afraid that all the wonderful things that will come from being a parent will override my own childhood that I desperately needed to hang onto, it would be the only clue I could have to what I was doing right and wrong.
"Please don't get mad at me, because I know the pain you feel is something I can't fully understand, but they were the only real parents I ever had. When I think back to my childhood I can't remember my parents. The only people who mattered to me, the only mom and dad I had were yours. They took me in and gave me a home and a family. They gave me the best thing that could have happened to me when they gave my you Brylee. You are my sister, you and Riley are my family.
I know it's not the same but I wonder too, she was all I had and I don't want to be like my mother, I'm not too close with Scotts parents; I love them but it's not even like you with Chases. I don't know what I'm doing either and I'm terrified that I'm going to fail as a mother too.
I'm so sorry you're hurting Brylee because seeing you like this is killing me." Her arms engulfed me as she cried with me. God I was so fucking selfish to think that she would be going through the exact same thing. I didn't know her parents at all, they were happy to pawn their daughter off, a child they didn't want to begin with. They've been our parents since we were five.
"I'm sorry I didn't even think about it like that." The guilt was about to make me sick.
"Shh, it's okay. I know this is your turn to miss them this much and it's okay. If we all sat here crying about how much their loss kills us, we would just always be miserable and have no one to pick us back up. They've done more for me than I could have ever expected.
After they gave us our security, my time home with Michael and a better house we could have ever hoped to give Michael and this little girl, I just wish I could hug them and thank them. You all gave me my wedding and have given me the best life I could ever think to imagine." There was no question who's daughter she really was.
"I love you." Out cried turned to sniffling and we laid there, side by side, telling stories and remembering all the hell we put mom and dad through, hoping that karma didn't some to bite us in the ass and give us kids like us. We howled with laughter remembering dad's face when he found out Rochelle crashed his brand new car into a pole. We were grounded for a month. The worst for the boys, best for us was when the four of us were caught sneaking out and mom and dad went through our rooms to take pretty much everything fun away. My mom screamed when she came across Chase and Riley's porn stash and my dad almost died as he fell to the floor howling, he could barely breathe by the time we got to him to try to calm him down.
This time our tears were because we couldn't stop giggling about that, my stomach ached as we talked about the time we broke moms vase and successfully blamed it on the boys. They got yanked from a camping trip and were forced to stay home all weekend and clean.
That trip really was a blast.
"Oh my god as soon as we have these things and they're a few months old, we need a night to ourselves. Drinks, music and trying to find the worst porn videos we can. Monica needs to come too!" If you searched, you could find pretty bad videos and the worse they were the more hilarious.
"Can we drink? I want to breastfeed." What were the damn rules with that stuff?
"Yeah, you just need to pump and toss once, probably twice to be safe. Which will be easy because I know I had to do it a few times a day even when I wasn't with Michael; they fill too much and it hurts like a bitch." That I had heard, I also heard it was hard as well as painful to start.
"How do you have sex after? Don't you leak our something when he plays with your breasts?" That was something I was greatly concerned about.
"Honestly, it can be awkward to see your breast as something sexual after feeding your baby with them, but when Scott and I have sex we just let it happen. He said breast milk is actually really sweet. If we let it gross us out, we wouldn't have as much fun. But not everyone's okay with it."
"That sounds so wrong, no offense to you at all Ro." That did make me cringe a little. She rolled her eyes at me.
"Oh please, you'll let him fuck you in the ass and do all that bondage shit and sucking lactating breasts seems wrong or gross?" She wasn't judging, but she did find that way of thinking a little off and when she put it like that, I could see why.
"Does it feel good?" Wouldn't your nippls just hurt all the time from feeding?
"Oh god yes, especially for me, I was producing more than Michael was eating and they would get sore and it relieved pressure and helped with the pain." Hm.
"You know, I hadn't actually thought about it. Still haven't actually fed them with these things yet." They were huge though and they looked... I didn't want to say weird but they definitely didn't look like they normally did.
"You're body changes a lot and you're the only one who will know what's right for yours. Maybe Chase isn't comfortable with it like Scott. You know me though, nothing I wouldn't try at least twice, you know just to be sure I didn't like it. That's just me and I'm okay with that. Bitches can judge me all they want, it's not going to stop me." She was who inspired me in my adult life and she didn't even realize how much.
"Thanks for letting me stay, I love you Ro and you have no idea how much I need you and how badly I needed you tonight."
"And I'll always be here." Her hand extended and she grinned as we did the silly secret handshake we made up when we were seven. When my world is falling apart and Chase wavers, Rochelle will be my stable ground.
After all, that's just what sisters did.