That barbeque made Chase and I realize just how little we talked to people. Since my parents died Riley and I had pushed people away and became introverted, which in turn made Monica and Chase suffer.
Monica always pulled herself back to be there for Riley and now that I know how Chase has felt about me since we were kids, I know he did the same for me. That was far from fair to them and now Riley and I owned it to the ones we loved to stop that for them.
After seeing how many people came for our wedding and then again to share in Chase and my great news, it was a big eye opener. We had amazing friends and family who loved us and cared. Being pregnant changed my entire perspective on life. The lifestyle I was living now wouldn't be healthy for our kids. They needed other kids, playdates and to be exposed to all kinds of people.
Riley was lucky Monica made sure the girls were always playing with their cousins on her side.
I kept saying and thinking that I wanted to be at least half the mother mine was, but in order to do that I needed to stop being this scared girl and be the woman she raised me to be. We were never short or lacking on life experiences. Living in multiple countries, the things we saw and learned, the people we met; the four of us were truly blessed.
To add to that, Chase and I kept things a secret for months and spent a lot of time indoors, more specifically the bedroom. While it was highly satisfying and I don't regret it, it wasn't idea for kids.
My children deserved the world in my eyes and for that to happen, we needed to change. Work was a priority, but I also took the opportunities to meet friends for lunch when our schedules matched. Rochelle and I went to classes together to try to get some exercise in and birthing classes.
Monica and Rochelle have been through this before, every day I grew more terrified of childbirth. Monica was great on trying to help, everytime we talked about it I felt more like a wimp. She did this at sixteen years old, I can do it at nearly twenty-six; I think.
At now twenty-eight weeks; I was ready for this to be over. The joy and cuteness of the kicking and knowing there's a baby growing in me was dim. I had two near full grown children in my stomach, I couldn't tie my shoes and I had to go to a salon to have myself groomed because I can't do that myself either.
Everyone talks about the joys of pregnancy, but no one ever tells you the gross and awful parts. They talk about having to pee every five seconds, not when you have minor accidents and feel like a child again. The heartburn is murder and there are some days I want to sit and cry because my legs are cramping so badly. There are times where I feel like I'm just always sweating and my poor feet look as terrible as they feel.
Not to mention I am now the size equivalent of a whale and Chase breathing seems to piss me off. He hasn't gotten laid in a couple months now and I feel as guilty as I do annoyed. I am pretty much a raging bitch, yet Chase hasn't stopped trying to make me happy; I was awful.
The painter came to finally get the nursery done, he painted different shades of blue and pink on the walls and I stared at them, broke down in tears and finally got out the words to tell the two men staring at me like I was a nuclear bomb how much I hated it.
Could this room be a bigger cliché? Royal theme with pink and blue; it was terrible.
"How about green and yellow; two neutral colors for the mixed gender twins." Clyde was kind and thankfully didn't get angry or take offense.
"I like green, It's my favorite color. How about purple, purple goes well with green." It also slipped into my mind that it was my mothers' favorite color and that I inherited mine from my father.
"I can bring back more samples tomorrow, if that works for you two and we can talk more. When my wife had our two kids I had to paint the entire room four times with our first daughter and twice with our second. You're first time parents and having both; I can understand. I'll leave these two up in case you want to stay with one and we'll figure it out. You do have a little bit of time." For him to be so kind about it, that really meant a lot to me.
"Thank you, we'll be here." Chase shook his hand and then took me to meet Rochelle for our massage. I was at a point where I wasn't comfortable driving and thankfully that was a decision I could make. Chase tried so hard to help me and make me more comfortable, but it just wasn't working anymore. He scheduled me to go at least once a week, so I took advantage of that and made Rochelle come and get a couples massage done with me.
It was great bonding time and something that didn't only have to be done with your significant other, I've thought about coming with Monica too; it's a great bonding experience. This helped my leg twitching and restless leg syndrome that has made itself apparent lately.
We discussed classes, how I was planning to deliver my kids and lunch plans. She got nosy on how mine and Chase's sex life had been with the pregnancy and we discussed hers as well. There were no lines for her and I. I do try hard to be there for Monica in that was as well, it's just icky to think of my brother. So I don't, objectively I know that Rochelle and I have been her best friends for years, it's not really fair to make her filter herself when we don't.
This has been a new revelation for me as well. With how I treat Chase at times, I've realized how selfish I've been in a lot of ways to I'm taking advantage of this change in my life to be the kind of person I would want Maria to be, the kind of woman her namesake was.
All in all, life was insane with work, my body and my emotions. It was crazy with friends, family and all the decision I still had to make. I felt like we had been sucked up into a tornado; life was in chaos, hectic and it was a whirlwind.
Sometimes weeks felt more like days and then at the same time I had to struggle to get through the week and every hour felt painful. It was speeding by and going too slow. I felt like I was missing out on so much with my pregnancy when I sat there complaining about it. It was selfish of me to take it all for granted. There were times I just felt like a rich and spoilt brat because there were women out there working their asses off, lifting and getting shit done when I just wanted to complain about all the things that were happening to me.
No matter how hard I tried I just felt like I was failing.. There were women handing pregnancy with such grace and I just wasn't.
"What's wrong, Angel?" Chase asked when I was quiet at dinner but I couldn't figure out what to say, he would never understand because he's not a woman.
"Just tired." That wasn't a lie.
"Which is normal you know." Every little kick now just drained my energy, Chase doesn't dare sit there making them kick now. When I look at me stomach and think about the human body, I sit here wondering how one human forms let alone how there's room for two, three, four or god even five.
"Yeah I know, I just thought the excitement of us finally having a baby would carry me through." He shrugged and pulled me to my feet. Never would I dare to leave dishes on the table like that under normal circumstances, but I found myself letting him pull me to the bedroom.
"I know you're tired, just let me take care of you baby girl." Usually my immediate response would be to get frustrated for trying because, well didn't he know how tired I was? Or I would just say not today but deep down, not that deep even; I missed the intimacy.
"Chase." But I didn't even know what I wanted to say.
"Shh." His lips silenced me and though I had this bulging stomach in the way, it felt incredible to feel his lips linger against mine. My palms rested on his sides and he cradled my head as he deepened the kiss. A groan escaped at just that and he sat on the edge of the bed and sat me down in his lap.
"No." I tried to protest but he wouldn't let me get up, I had obviously gained a lot of weight and it was now to a number that made me feel like I had no business sitting on another person.
"Stop." He gripped my hair this time and I fell into an easy submission to him. The straps of my dress were pulled down and he stood to push the maxi dress off of me. He then stripped down to his boxers and then he pulled me right back into his lap.
My bra was next and he used the utmost care, sucking gently and only using his tongue to drive me higher. He played with them and stimulated both of them until a short yet powerful orgasm washed over me. Chase stopped instantly and looked at me shocked, I was shocked too.
"Did you just?" His tone, he couldn't believe it so I nodded, confirming it."That is so hot." It didn't matter that I had gained weight, he had me on my back and his mouth was on my stomach next, thighs, and hip. His tongue above my panties before those were gone too.
The pleasure was indescribable. My body was hyper-sensitive now, like he had tied me to the bed and forced orgasm after orgasm, like our honeymoon. By the time he got inside of me I was satisfied and exhausted, but I wouldn't stop anything now. His stomach was brushed against mine and he held himself up in a weird way so he could be on top of me. The best part, on top of the satisfaction, was how close to him I felt emotionally.
Sex wasn't bad by any means and I should be more accepting because seeing his face as he came inside me, how he gazed at me as I exploded for him; it was everything. The way he touched me and held me afterwards made everything bad I've made up in my head disappear.
Once again I felt desired and attractive. That irrational thought about how he would prefer someone smaller was insulting to him and our marriage and I felt guilty for thinking it when we could have sex eery day, just like we had, over and over and he wouldn't be bored of it.
His arms brought safety, love and compassion. He put up with my crazy because he loved me and there was no one else that he would ever want to have his children. Being a mom was an honor that not all women had the chance to have and it was beautiful.
Monica just kept telling me I was earning my stripes every time I complained about stretch marks. She was right of course. It wasn't easy, but in a month and a half I would have two beautiful babies and that was worth everything.
"You know there will be no sex for a while after their born, but we should think seriously about getting my implant redone otherwise I guarantee I'll be pregnant again within a couple months." Once I was healed up, I may just jump him. There was a desperate need to have the kind of sex we had before I was with children; demanding, rough bordering on brutal and so fucking hot.
"I'm fine either way, whatever you want." Of course he was
"While I do want more and I know we'll be exhausted all the time for having new-borns, but the idea that we can watch them grow for a while and that we can have the kind of sex from our honeymoon; that appeals to me." Will it be like it was before, absolutely not but having them be at least a few year old first may be a better option.
"If that's what you want baby, then that's perfect. As soon as we have the opportunity and can bare to be away from them, you're mine for a whole weekend." The other thing that bothered me was that I at least planned on breastfeeding, won't that make sex uncomfortable and awkward? Will I even be able to spend a weekend away from them?
"We'll see." Was all I had
"Stop worrying; you're tired but I have no issues erasing those thoughts from your mind right now."
"Chase." A warning he ignored. By the time he had me screaming again I was on the verge of tears as well. No fucking more tonight. But he got his point across and for the rest of the night I went from one position to another trying to remain comfortable and he never complained, he merely moved with me and rubbed my head to relax me.
Chase was practically a fucking Saint and was the perfect example of what a husband should be doing, not just when his wife is pregnant but in general. Her perfection was unnerving and there was nothing I could do to fix that except try to always be the best version of myself to make him as happy as he's made me.
But I knew he was already happy; he would always be happy as long as we both were faithful, tried our best to be great parents and always put our family first.
He was constantly telling me that he's been preparing for this ten years and he knew who he married. Chase knew I was always an emotional roller coaster and unpredictable and I knew he was a great man who loved those in his life fiercely.
He was going to be the best father. He was making coffee and I was standing making breakfast and I just broke down into tears thinking about it. Imagining him doing everything he could to help me out since we wouldn't be using formula; well at least that was the plan. I could see them standing in the nursery holding them or running a finger over their tiny forehead or hand.
He wouldn't ever want to put them down; they're not here yet and I already just want to pick them up and cuddle them forever. He would put them first the way my father put Riley and I. Work would be done at eleven at night if it meant playing dolls or cars when they wanted to play.
Looking around this house, seeing him; I could see our whole life together. High chairs would fade to boosters and then they would sit on chairs. There would be countless cups of milk, juice and water spilt at this very table and I could imagine cooking dinner while we help the twins learn addition and subtraction all the way to calculus. The family trips we could make were endless and I just wanted to give them the world.
"Are you alright?" He looked up once he had my tea and his coffee made
"I just love you." Ignoring breakfast I walked to him and he put the cups down. My arms did their best to wrap around him and I buried my face in his chest while he held me until we smelt dinner burning.
"How about you go get dressed and I'll clean this up and we go out?" He kissed my forehead, his lips lingering and I nodded and headed to the bedroom "I love you too, you know. You're my everything and you're carrying my everything Brylee." My fingers took another swipe at my eyes as I cleaned up and put makeup on.
Looking back, it's a miracle we got this far. Chase and I have just come so far as a couple, we were finally happy. After the miscarriage we appreciated our babies more this time. Life has already changed so much and it was about to change infinitely more. But that was something we were both up for and I could never get tired of the feeling I felt right now.
My clothes fit and I looked at my stomach and felt love; not fat. My hair was complying enough to cause me to be satisfied and I loved my makeup today. For the first time in a couple weeks I enjoyed going out and my old confidence was shining through a little bit.
It wasn't all the time, but these days were a little victory for me.