With Chase and I finally working things out it was time to work things out with my brother. I feel like someone just did surgery on our relationship and put a big band aid over it like it would solve the problem. I know he gave his blessing for this marriage but it still just wasn't right between the two of us.
I called him and we decided that Monday we would go out and take a long lunch, just the two of us. We needed to fix our problems before Chase and Riley could repair their friendship. I know they still cared about each other but they were both being stubborn and holding onto their grudge and not wanting to admit their own faults.
It's painful but our baby is gone, they aren't coming back and we need to accept that. It's no one's fault and I don't blame anyone. Riley's getting help and he knows he screwed up massively. Chase and I did see each other behind Riley's back and not just that, but we lied about it. We messed up.
We all have reasons to be angry with each other and hate each other right now but it's not going to get us anywhere, blame on top of blame and hate on top of hate is just going to make things worse and it is, we need to talk it through and forgive one another.
"So what did you want to talk about, sis?" he sat and asked with a huge smile like this was normal for us when it wasn't anymore, sadly.
He's my twin so obviously I've known him his whole life and I know when his smile was as fake as a three dollar bill.
"Cut the shit." I crossed my arms and leaned back in my chair and he did the same, we stared each other down until the waitress came for our order, we didn't need a menu and we barley spared her a glance as we stayed locked in this staring contest.
"Fine, what?" he asked me and the smile was gone and irritation was left, that's what I expected from him with me and I didn't blame him, I was annoyed with him too.
"How is AA going?" I asked and his jaw clenched
"None of your damn business just like your relationship with my former best friend isn't mine" He was exceptionally irritable right now; I at least thought we moved past this.
"Oh stop it and stop being a child. Your life is as much my business as mine is yours. So stop being an ass and tell me how you're doing." Granted I've been acting childish but I'm at least trying to admit my mistakes and make them better.
He glared at me for a minute but I didn't back down.
"Fine, it sucks. I want a drink and talking to you makes me want two."
"Ouch." I said and he shrugged.
"Out of the three people I trust in the world, I trusted you the most."
"I know and I lied to you, we were going to tell you and I know you don't believe that but we were worried about your reaction to it, we didn't hide it for any other reason because there was nothing to be ashamed of. I know you're pissed but you have no right to control my life."
"I never tried to." he said
"Isn't part of your whole rehabilitation to not lie and make amends?" I asked him and he frowned
"I tried to protect you." well that was a step in the right direction.
"I'm an adult and I deserve my own life with someone I love and who loves me, don't I deserve to get married and have children too?" I asked and he frowned and cringed
"No, you should be a nun." I gave him the look and he cracked a small smile
"Really?" I asked
"No, I just don't want to think of my sister doing those things, that's gross. And with my best friend, ugh." He cringed again.
"I know but I love him Riley, I really do." I told him and he sighed finally dropping the act.
"I know you do and I know he loves you. I know he'll take care of you and I know he'll be good both to and for you. Chase is a great guy and you deserve the best, which in my book he is. But don't you dare tell him, I'm still pissed at him." I smiled.
Riley loves Chase, they're best friends and just like brothers and I get that he's mad, it's bro code or whatever and they need to work through that.
"It's okay, it's okay that I'm growing up you know." I put my hand on his and he nodded
"I just, I know we're twins but I'm not ready for you to grow up." He said and I nodded.
"But it's okay. I promise you no more lies. I shouldn't have lied about it to begin with and I'm sorry, I should have told you and let you freak out and gone from there. I know that now and it was my mistake but don't punish Chase for it. He wanted to tell you from the start and it was me who begged him not to yet. He wanted to do right by you and I'm sorry it took me longer to get there."
It was both our fault but I felt like it was more mine. I should have just let Chase tell him and then we wouldn't be in this big of a mess but here we are.
"Why didn't you tell me Bry?" he asked
"Because you would react badly and I just wanted it to be a secret a little longer, to be able to spend time with him without you knowing, I don't know but I can't change it. We need to move forward and not stay where we're at or we're all going to be miserable. You're going to miss out on being happy at mine and Chase's wedding, I already am missing Lina and Mia. I want to support you too." We let it sit there in silence as our food came and I just let him think about it.
"I don't want to be mad at you." he finally said.
"I've forgiven you for what you did and honestly it feels like another slap in the face that you can't forgive me." it hurt. He physically harmed me and I forgave him but he can't just move on for me being with Chase?
"I do want you to be happy, and do you want to know a secret?" he smiled sadly and I nodded
"Secret for secret?" I asked him and he held out his pinkie and I wrapped mine around his, we used to do this all the time when we were kids.
"I secretly love that you two are getting married. You're the two I love the most and I know that he'll be getting the best and so will you." he told me and he sighed. That surprised me.
"After Rochelle's wedding we're going to start trying for a baby." I didn't know how he would react to it though because; well we all know how a baby's made. But to my relief he smiled
"To your earlier question though it was rhetorical, I do think you deserve your own family."
"I'm really excited." I said trying to contain it; I was thrilled when he suggested it and I knew that it would be okay.
"I'm happy for you. I'm a little pissed at you both still but it doesn't mean that I don't love you both and it doesn't mean that I'm not happy for you. If I didn't think he deserved you I would have told him to fuck off when he asked me. I could have said no and he would have respected it but I don't want to control your life and I don't want you to be unhappy."
"Will you tell me about how you're doing?" I was desperate to know, I wanted to make sure he was okay. I know he's gone through this before but that doesn't actually make it any easier, at least I assume.
"I'm struggling and having a hard time sleeping but Monica's great. I feel terrible for putting her through this again let alone her being pregnant both times but she's made it crystal clear that it's my family or drinking. I'm glad I didn't get to the point where I love drinking more."
"I'm glad too. I'm here for you and so is Chase. I don't want to not be able to be there for you because of this. We're family." Family is family, we fight and hate each other sometimes but we're really stuck together and there was nothing either of us could do about it.
"I know. I miss you." he said and I smiled
"I miss you too little brother." I teased and he frowned
"I'm still taller." That was always his great argument; he was actually quite a bit taller than I was though.
"Unfortunately for you that doesn't make you ten minutes earlier coming into this world." I teased
"Yeah well, you've been a pain since we were in mom together, probably kicked me out of the way to go first." I laughed at that.
"Probably." I agreed and after that the conversation was pretty easy between us finally. He promised that he would try to work thins through with Chase and as for him and I, I think we were finally fine again and that we made progress.
We said what needed to be said and I think he just wants to put it all behind us too, he has enough to deal with, he doesn't need to deal with problems between us too. I think we would be fine as long as we kept personal things personal, he didn't need to know anything other than we were happy and getting married.
As I got in the car I sighed in relief that I got through that and it went well, though now it was back to the office and that would be challenging because I was sore from last night and now that I think about I I can still feel him inside of me and I wanted to go and rip his damn clothes off at work.
Life will never be easy, will it?